40 Lessons for my 40th Birthday (Part 2 of 4)
Darlene is celebrating the end of her 3rd decade sharing 40 lessons along the way.
To share my 40th birthday I’ve compiled a list of 40 lessons from this decade.
While I don’t wish I’d learned them sooner (I think all lessons come in their time) I want to hold them close to me as I enter this next phase of life: middle-age.
You can find the first 10 here:
Stay tuned over the next few days, culminating on my 40th birthday. 🥳
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40 Lessons for 40 Years (11 - 20)
In no particular order.
11. Canceling plans for your mental and emotional health doesn’t make you unfun or a bad friend
I come from a big, loud, very social family that is always busy. Growing up I wanted desperately to be included, so I’d say yes to everything. In college and my 20s that often meant exhausting myself and wondering why everyone else could “do it all”. Of course, I didn’t realize how often other people were turning in assignments late, half ass-ing their work, or generally just phoning it in.
Similar to lesson 3 and lesson 10, people who love you don’t want you to burn out. Making space for rest, recovery, and mental & emotional health is part of healthy boundaries and self regulation.
12. There are lots of things you've been told you can't do that you absolutely can
When I was 23 years old I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (I tell the story in last year’s BTF Birthday Takeover episode, below) and at the time was told all the things I’d “never do again” because the disorder is supposed to be progressive…
In 2018, 12 years after my diagnosis, I traveled to the other side of the planet to study alignment yoga with Tal Swissa. I was as far away from Brooklyn as a person could possibly get, doing yoga 10 hours a day.
Yes, there was big risk. There was also big reward.
That adventure sparked a chain of letting go ~ my own business, grad school, the podcast, this Substack. 5ks and triathalons. All things I’d been lead to believe wouldn’t be successful, that I’ve somehow managed to pull off.
Letting go of self-limiting beliefs, especially those put on you by others, frees you to try and grow into what you’re actually capable of.
13. You can transcend your parents' trauma
While sobbing on a concrete floor in Thailand I had a big realization: I’d been carrying emotional pain that wasn’t fully mine. Both my parents were raised rural poor and inherited trauma of their own. They did the best they knew to do, but much of their reactivity made it’s way to me.
Intergenerational trauma is a series of beliefs, behaviors, and patterns programmed into your nervous system from a young age. Learning to recognize the unhelpful parts, and what to do about it, has made a massive difference in my life.
Patterns of belief and action are learned. What’s learned can be deprogrammed, unlearned, and repatterned into more authentic and helpful beliefs and patterns. What you’ve inherited isn’t a mandate.
14. Smiling at strangers will make you happier
In 2018, deep in the transition from the divorce, my friend Dylan started talking about a science of wellbeing, and pushed me to take a free course on it. You guessed it: a course on Positive Psychology.
As part of the course I read research on the false assumptions we make about what will make us happy. One of those false assumptions is that interacting with strangers will lower happiness. In reality, it makes both you and the other person happier.
At the time I was commuting from the West Village to Williamsburg, and part of that commute was walking through a loooooong connecting subway hallway from the 2 train on 7th Ave to the L train on 6th. I ran a little experiment: smiling at anyone who was looking up walking the opposite way. Maybe 40% looked away, but most smiled back. Some looked confused, and then laughed. For a little while it was the favorite part of my day.
Living in New York City for a decade, I’d forgotten something that was natural in my small, rural upbringing: being kind and friendly makes people feel good. Myself included.
15. It's okay if some friends are just fun friends. It doesn't mean anything
As a coach and a generally deep thinker, I can be a bit… intense.
Coming into my 30s I thought that’s what gave me value. Being the advise person. The feelings person. The one you call when things are rough. But over time I found that painted me into a very serious box, when what I really wanted was fun. There was a time I worried that if people didn’t take me seriously I’d lose value.
We all engage is making meaning of the events of our lives - and that process can either be passive or deliberate. I was passively saying that I had to be the reliable, helpful friend while also craving being the fun & wild one. What I had to learn what to deliberately not make it mean anything if I was just unplugging and having fun.
16. Casual sex is fun; but like having too much candy, it will eventually make your stomach hurt
After the divorce I went a little wild. There’s nothing wrong with that; but it hit a point of diminishing returns. The technical term for all that is the hedonic treadmill, where you adapt to the pleasant/indulgent experience and then seek more and more, without the same thrill.
What I came to learn about myself was how much connecting deeply with someone heightened our physical connection. When I shared this with a friend a few months ago they laughed and replied “You didn’t already know that? You’re the most sapiosexual person I know.” Sometimes other people know us better than we do.
Intelligence and depth are sexier than a 6 pack.
17. Therapy is a set of tools. You have to do the work if you want to make progress
Like most Millennials, I’ve had a lot of therapy. Some helpful, some awful. Even the helpful ones, who created a reliable space for self examination and asked great questions, were still only making the container.
Whether you’re working with a coach, therapist, trainer, or physio - they provide the tools, but you have to do the work.
18. Ask for homework
About a month into working with my most recent therapist I got a bit frustrated. I’d go in and talk and talk and talk, then leave feeling drained. At the time I was living in Williamsburg and I’d walk around the corner, buy a GIANT piece of chocolate cake from the baker and a bottle of wine next door. Then I’d go home and eat the cake, drink the wine, and cry watching Great British Baking Show alone on the couch.
Coping at it’s finest.
I got frustrated at the weekly blowout session. Then, I told her I wanted homework.
I wanted to get better, not just marinate in a few decades worth of trauma rehashing.
That was a major pivot point in my work with her and a big influence on how I work with my clients now.
The point of professionally supported self-work isn’t codependence, it’s growth.
To integrate the work means learning to do it on your own. Ask for homework if they’re not already giving you some.
19. You can be smart and working your ass off; but in a broken system it's going to burn you out
Something I rarely talk about is my time in management at a big luxury gym chain; and the resulting burnout, failure, and dip in my self worth.
Up until that point in my life I’d mostly had big, professional successes. I’d join a team, bust my butt, and get promoted into a leadership role. I’d never not had that experience. Now, working in corporate fitness, the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder was dangled in front of me ~ and dangle did they ever!
I learned a lot about ego at this time, and just how big mine could get. The company was growing explosively and they needed intro level managers to step into the dozens of new clubs they were opening. I felt I was in over my head, but middle management praised my worth ethic, cleverness, independence, and creativity. They told me all about how successful I could be and how far I could climb.
My gut was screaming for me to say no.
My ego was screaming for me to show everyone how great I could be.
Guess who won.
What I discovered instead was exactly what a burnout culture looks like. The company didn’t have the resources to train me properly, my predecessor was angry and sabotaged a few things on the way out, and the thing that mattered was the bottom line. I had staff living in their cars, going to rehab or disappearing all together, and problematic people I wasn’t “allowed” to fire.
My ego kept pushing. Until there was nothing left.
This was the first big, big failure of my adulthood. One where I really fell hard and wasn’t sure how to get back up. At the time (2016) no one was really talking about burnout ~ how it’s both individual and cultural. Psychological and physical. Which meant they also weren’t talking about the way burnout shifts your sense of your self. Makes you cautious and wary and angry.
That year ate at me. I could feel I was a different person but I didn’t know how to get back; I didn’t yet know there is only growing forward. The tension left me stuck, detached, and professionally aimless.
Burnout isn’t just you overworking. It’s a system that makes you feel like your efforts don’t matter. Burning out changes your sense of your self, your potential, and your worth.
20. Quit sooner if the system is designed for you to fail
Building on 19, there are few things about my 30s that I’d change. I believe lessons are presented for us to learn in time, and we’ll keep repeating the lesson until we get it right.
The one exception: once I realized I was being set up to fail, I wish I’d quit.
My ego thought “I’ll show them!” - it was a direct reaction to being mocked and underestimated growing up. I wanted so desperately to prove my worth and belonging I was willing to sacrifice myself to do it.
A system that’s designed for you to fail isn’t one you want to be supporting.
Stay tuned…
Tomorrow: 21 - 30
Wednesday (my 40th birthday): 31 - 40
Then we’ll return to regularly scheduled content the rest of the month of December.