Originally I’d planned to start this post of with a list of the demands on our time that come with the onset of summer, but as I started typing the feeling dawned on me more and more:
This isn’t seasonal.
It’s societal.
The “this”?
Overwhelm. Obligation.
The general sense that there’s never enough time for what’s being asked of us.
Despite all the technological advances of the last century, we’re more time starved with higher demands than ever before ~ while also being expected to do more and more.
The solution, imho: BOUNDARIES.
The Deal with Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries conversations are often annoyingly vague. To me they harken back to bad 90s sitcoms where couples would have faux-endearing conversations about “boundaries” and it never made any sense to me (to be fair, I was probably about 9). But why didn’t it make sense? Well, my family didn’t have any of course!
So what are “boundaries”? At the most basic definition, it’s a boarder. A dividing line. The space where one thing ends and another begins. When we talk about boundaries, that “thing” is your self, your time, your energy, and even your worth.
When I teach boundaries to my clients we start with a favorite adage of mine:
“You can’t have a hearty "yes" without a strong "no".”
So often when we talk about boundaries it’s framed as a negative - either in response to a perception someone violated your boundaries, or tip-toeing up to that coworker who can’t seem to respect your time. In reality, healthy boundaries create a frame of respect, care, and resources for each of our lives. There are boundaries of time, emotional intimacy, thoughts, care, attention, and many more. Healthy boundaries reduce ambiguity, clarify roles, and protect our time and energy.
Why it Matters
Let’s call it from the start: boundaries conversations make people uncomfortable.
Why? Because we’re all afraid of the consequences if they go wrong.
When it’s with someone you love, we’re afraid to hurt them. When it’s with your boss or work teams we’re afraid of retribution or long term repercussions to our career.
However, when we neglect or avoid boundaries conversations the person we’re hurting is ourselves. By not having and reinforcing healthy boundaries we set ourselves up for overwork, resentment, frustration, and burn out. We’re being inauthentic to our own aligned selves.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
First up: get clear with yourself about what actually matters.
Because boundaries can feel ambiguous and vague we often don’t know where to start. Your jump off point should be to identify what’s most important in your life right now. Is it school? Your career? Your partnership? Young children? Your health? Caregiving a loved one?
Whatever the answer is, that’s where you start.
Now start exploring it. Ask yourself:
How much time do you want/need for that priority?
What’s already getting in the way that you may need to work around?
When you miss on this priority, what has derailed you? Make a plan for how to prevent that derailing next time.
What are the constraints you have to work around?
Who do I need to communicate these new priorities to?
Next up: Actually communicate
Depending on the priority and what type of boundary you’re looking to manage, the communication part can have a lot of nuance to it.
Maybe you’re telling your work team you’re no longer responding after 6p so you can focus on your family, which depending on your job could be pretty straightforward. Maybe you’re telling your partner you want one night a week to yourself for a hobby, which again might not be a big deal.
Or, maybe the boss pushes back. Maybe your spouse feels neglected. In those instances it can feel difficult and frustrating to navigate your desires and their pushback. There’s a balance here between indulgent selfishness and authentically being yourself. Just as leaving your partner alone to manage the kids every night is unfair, so would be them expecting you to be home every single night.
Two key tips on this navigation: communicate far in advance, and be willing to compromise. By getting out in front it reduces time pressure stress. As for compromise, few of us always get what we want and bending is how groups keep from breaking.
Two Final Tips:
One: be consistent.
If you’re working on navigating and negotiating boundaries be clear with those around you that you may ask to revisit the conversation while you figure things out. It can be disruptive and disconcerting for others involved if you’re moving the goal post. Once you figure things out, stick to what you said or communicate changes.
Two: to get your boundaries respected, keep respecting others.
When I teach corporate boundary setting workshops one of the biggest takeaways for teams is to talk about boundaries together. Who picks up their kid? Who wont check email in the early morning? (Please for the love of god can we all stop Slack on the weekend!?)
Whatever you land on, whether as a team or a household, if you want your boundaries respected you have to walk the talk for the others involved.