Despair Doesn't Help Us
Free Self Care workshop this Wednesday, Feb 5th at 7p ET
I was 23 years old and I couldn’t get off the couch.
Not because I was hung over or tired or some other age-appropriate excuse for being glued on my butt. I couldn’t get off the couch because I was too weak and in too much pain to stand up. At an age when my peers were partying and making life’s big, fun mistakes I was diagnosed with a genetic condition, told it was progressive, and to “expect a sedentary life”.
It will be 18 years ago in March since I was diagnosed. Suffering with daily pain and full of despair that there was nothing they could do, at the time of my diagnosis the #1 killer of those with my condition was suicide. Deaths of despair.
When I was told by my physical therapist that I’d be lucky if I could pick my future children up from the floor (never mind that she didn’t ask if I planned to have children) I had a choice to make: believe her, or not.
I chose not to.
It’s one of the best choices I have ever made.
When most people hear the phrase positive psychology (the study of human wellbeing) they often think it’s synonymous with “positive thinking” ~ the vague notion that we can think ourselves out of our problems and “manifest” our future with the power of the mind. What you might not realize is the roots of positive psychology are in learned helplessness - the passivity that befalls most people stuck in unsolvable circumstances or with an unsolvable problem.
Upon his discovery of learning helplessness, Dr Martin Seligman asked himself an essential question: if not everyone falls into passivity, what’s right with the people who don’t.
That curiosity lead to the foundation that became wellbeing and positive psychology.
Meeting Despair and Overcoming Helplessness
We all have moments in life where we feel overwhelmed and helpless. Someone we cherish gets sick. A natural disaster dismantles our lives. Never mind the social or political systems that oppress people all over the world or the crushing reality of the climate collapse. (Feeling helpless yet?)
Here’s the thing: Despair can’t help us.
In the early months after my diagnosis there were times despair felt like a warm blanket. It was easier to drink to numb myself to the challenges ahead than it was to cope with the idea that I might never have the life I’d expected for myself.
But after enough hangovers and misery I realized a few key things:
I’m still here.
I’m still me.
And I can outwork anyone’s expectations.
As a collegiate rugby player I knew how to train to get strong and I knew how to play through pain.
As the first in my family to finish a 4 year degree I knew how to work hard and problem solve.
And, as my mother’s daughter - I knew that I am incredibly stubborn.
I decided I’d rather break myself than live the life that one practitioner attempted to condemn me to.
There will always be people who are committed to a particular system or way of thinking who think you should take them at their word. There will always be nay-sayers and people who are afraid of what change or trying something different will mean for them and their lives.
But if my illness, outstripping poverty, and 13 years of supporting other people have taught me anything it’s this:
Despairing doesn’t help solve the very real problems.
Despair sucks energy, time, and resources.
Despair numbs us to all the power we still have in our lives.
Regardless of what you’re coping with ~ here are 3 things I remind myself when despair starts to take over:
Be honest with yourself about the situation you’re in - the good and the bad.
Focus on the things you still have control over, no matter how small.
Stay in the moment you’re in. Trying to change everything at once buries you.
It starts with self care
It’s sounds like such a cliche, but the foundation truly is self care. Not the vapid nonsense that social media has shoved down our throats, but real self care.
Sleep hygiene. Eating nourishing food consistently. Moving your body.
The exact same things you’d associate with caring for a beloved pet or a small child.
We can’t help anyone, including ourselves, if we’re weak, exhausted, and dysregulated. Priming the pump of resilience and having the fortitude to weather life’s storms begins with keeping our foundational needs met.
If self care is something you’re struggling I’d like to invite you to a free community self care workshop this Wednesday, Feb 5th at 7p ET.
Everyone is welcome - the event is available through The Wellbeing Revolution:
Despair is understandable. The moment of surrender when the things we’ve most feared have come to pass is in some ways a relief from the suffering of “what if…” only to be replaced with the true suffering of what is to come.
Helplessness is driven by it’s evil partner, hopelessness. But the balm is in the name itself: HOPE.
According to Dr Dan Tomasulo, hope is the only positive emotion that requires something bad to happen first. It is only in the dark that we see the stars ~ and it is only in the threats, challenges, and hardships that hope comes to us.
Tap into your hope & find the fortitude to show up. For yourself and those you love.