What I ask every client about their goals
No, it's not if they're SMART.
This is going to sound awfully negative for a wellbeing scientist to say… but I despise the way most coaches talk about goals. Chances are, if you’ve done any work on yourself personally or professionally, you’re familiar with the schtick: set goals. Lots of em. Are they SMART?! Do you have a plan!? It’s so 2006.
Let’s be clear: if it all worked like a Tony Robbins seminar we’d all be sittin’ pretty.
But many of us are… not. The promise of the self help of the 90s and the 2nd wave of that type of rah-rah coaching from 10 years ago has metastasized into a lot of toxic BS that’s fueling our collective unrest. Most life coaches talk about goals the way most wanna-be gurus talk about manifesting (another pet peeve of mine). As if by the sheer force of our desires (and, in the case of that type of goal setting, project planning) we can bend reality to our will.
What’s well-being and self-help for the rest of us look like in the 21st Century?
And, for the purposes of this post, how does that translate to goal setting?
(I’ve already written on why I think you should set fewer goals and last week on starting with priorities.)
To be clear, I do also think many people are capable of more than they believe and with the right structure and support they can achieve a lot. But to do so we need direction, grit, and both the personal and social systems in place for that type of achieving to be possible.
When I see a consultation booked on my calendar and I gear up for the feeling-out conversation I’m about to have with a stranger I write three questions at the top of my notes:
What do you want?
How do we measure it?
How will we know we’re successful?
I don’t directly ask the client these questions word for word, but they remind me from the get-go what it is I do. I help people change. Not by some boiler-plate 15 step system I incubated in the latest Business Mastermind that I over-paid for; but in an individualized process tailored to my client (because that’s what coaching actually is). Oftentimes change is driven by digging in on that first question: “What do you want?” Or, and sometimes even more important, “WHY do you want that?”
Why do you want what you want?
Authenticity has become a big buzz word, but I’ve found personally and professionally that those who have authenticity don’t talk about it all that much. To be authentic is to know yourself and your life and live in integrity. Way easier said than done. Those with authenticity read that and think “well, duh”.
To those lacking it, authenticity seems like a magic trick.
Authenticity can’t be learned on a weekend seminar where you identify your values. It requires connection with oneself. That connection is built through emotional intelligence, introspection, and a host of physical and psychological tools that can’t be learned through thought alone. They are learned through self experiment and lived experience. By doing.
Authenticity is the first ingredient of I look for in my client’s goals.
Not specificity. Not measurability. Not a perfect project plan.
Does this goal represent who my client understands themselves to be?
If not, can I support this client in exploring themselves to find deeper, more authentic goals?
Why?
When we chase the goals we feel we “should” - whether being thinner or more body positive; richer or more austere; a promotion or finding abundance; loving yourself or finding a partner - when those outcomes are externally motivated by obligation that client is less likely to persevere and will feel less satisfied.
The kicker? It can be the same action!
We typically have multiple motivations for the same behaviors. You can want to go to the gym for longevity and aesthetics, but if you focus on the fear your partner doesn’t like how you look, you’ll be less consistent and less satisfied.
Digging Deeper
It’s not uncommon that a client goals will evolve over the coaching relationship. As their homework brings them from thought to action they know themselves differently, learn through experience, and find their motivations aren’t what they thought.
This is normal. It’s not a sign of failure, it’s a sign of progress.
To those outside the process it can look a like a pivot, like quitting, or procrastination. In reality we’re making space for them to meet themselves where and how they are, ask some Big Ole Questions, and sometimes meet themselves for the first time.
You and Your Goals
How does this translate to you and your goals? I hope in a few concrete ways:
Set fewer goals - the ones you do should feel like the things you’ll need to know you accomplished when on your deathbed
Understand WHY you want them - and gut check that they represent who you are and what you care about. (If you need to drill in on what you care about, start be Getting Your Priorities Straight)
Then yes, by all means, make a plan to see them through. But maybe not so much a perfect project plan as focusing on the Next Right Steps
More on Next Right Steps later this week. Subscribe if you don’t want to miss it: