A quick Googling will tell you what ambivalence is:
But the thing I truly hate about ambivalence is how it feels and what my mind does with it. I’m a person who likes to know where I am with things. Not that I don’t like dramatic tension or the journey of growth - but when I’m ambivalent, truly contradictory, I get super uncomfortable. I’ll find myself ruminating unproductively; swirling round and round in the contradiction of my thoughts and feelings.
Maybe you know that experience?
As a younger person I was taught that you just knuckle down and keep pushing through - but I’ve learned that’s the least effective way to work through ambivalence.
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In the episode above you’ll learn all about the whys and wherefores of ambivalence. How it works, why it’s demotivating, and why pushing through isn’t the most effective. For this post I want to give you a run-down of the most effective tools I use with clients to work through their ambivalence, so you have a reference when you need it.
Ambivalence as Information
You have conflicting and contradictory feelings for a reason. Remember: feelings are information.
(Need a refresher on that concept? You can find a review either of these places:
Ambivalence is about feelings and perceptions - so just like our other emotions, it’s our nervous system and subconscious giving us information about something. The reason charging through ambivalence isn’t helpful is it doesn’t help us identify what’s really going on. We just shove away the discomfort, which often makes it worse.
What do we do instead?
Interview it!
Grab the ole journal and start writing your way through what’s really going on
(or call a trusted friend/mentor and ask them to help).
Here are a few questions to get you started:
What am I actually ambivalent about?
What are the conflicting emotions or ideas?
Are there other people involved? Who? How does their involvement effect me?
Why does this matter to me enough to be spending time on it?
Pivot to Your Values
Ambivalence happens in the moment, but it’s in the greater context of our lives. The things we dither on have a ripple effect, just like any of our choices.
When I first start working with a client one common question I’ll ask is “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” (even clients in the 80s!) We all have the potential to grow and learn, and our choices shape who we’re going to become.
What are you about?
What are the most important things in your life?
Here’s an example.
One of my life goals is to be 103 and still dancing at weddings. I’m often ambivalent about exercising. I have other “more important” things to do or I’m tired or I want to go have some fun. BUT if I’m going to maintain my strength, resilience, and health into my 100s, I need to strength train.I push past my ambivalence by recognizing the long term cost is losing something that I’ve made part of my identity.
Another way to play with this is to create a future projection of who you want to be and ask yourself how would that version of me handle this situation?
Ambivalence 4 Square
If you’re still stuck, time to grid it out! This exercise is a tool of Motivational Interviewing and is commonly called the Decision Grid:
(Paid supporters - you can download a printable worksheet by scrolling to the bottom of this page!)
Final Thoughts
As a coach, I don’t see the role of any of these tools to “convince” anyone to do anything. I see them as a tool to help people understand themselves, their behavior, and make aligned decisions.
Often I see fitness and wellness professionals acting from the feeling they need to trick their clients into the things the clients say they want. IMHO, that’s not my job.
To me, I’m here to hold the space so my client can ask
“What do I actually value and want for myself and does this align with those outcomes?” & “Am I acting like the person I want to be evolving into?”
Need support making sense of your own wellness? I’m available for long term coaching and consultations are always free.
Here’s the link to my calendar so you can book a call.