Resilience in the Real World
Pushing past the buzz word and getting to what matters.
Back in the 1960s Dr. Martin Seligman, who would later go on to found the field of Positive Psychology and spark a wellbeing movement, was a first year graduate student supporting research in a lab at UPenn. But there was a problem with their experiment. They’d intended to research fear conditioning using dogs; but when trying to condition the dogs to feel fear (like Pavlov’s bell and salivation) most would lie down, give up, and couldn’t be coaxed to try and escape again.
They became passive.
This was a point of frustration for those in the lab - but part of Seligman’s genius is in noticing the things others’ might not. Instead of being frustrated that the dogs wouldn’t cooperate, he asked himself why. What was going on with the dogs who’d become passive. What came next were a series of experiments that formed our model for Learned Helplessness. Essentially, most animals in an unsolvable problem will give up - and when they do they wont continue to try to solve the problem, even if the problem becomes solvable.
In human beings, that passivity mirrors most factors of depression. In human experiments 60% of people with an unsolvable problem give up and refuse to try the next day. “Why bother? It can’t be done.” they’d say.
But Seligman again asked the question most people don’t think of. If most animals give up, what’s going on with those that refuse to give in? Those that never surrender? What is it about the 30% of people who keep trying the next day?
This question is the foundation of both the field of positive psychology and the body of research we came to call Resilience. What is it that’s so right with some people that they refuse to give in to the confinement of their circumstances?
What is resilience, really?
Since the pandemic era kicked off every coach seems to be a “resilience expert”.
(Just like they’re all somehow now experts on “trauma” and “somatics”… but those are topics for another day.) But what does actual resilience look like? What does it feel and sound like? And, perhaps most importantly, how do we build more in our lives?
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as:
Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.
Sounds clinical enough.
Translated for us normal folk: sometimes life is hard. Resilience is when we can ride it out and get through it. We can keep at it. We adapt and overcome.
People have been doing this all over the world, every day, for as long as there have been people. The revelation of positive psychology’s focus on studying what’s right with people meant that we can sort the snake oil from the meaningful practice - and, when skeptics show up, we have a body of evidence to bring them on-board. It can be an antidote to pessimists, cynics, and general nay-sayers.
We can then use the things that actually work to help lift people up and make things better. These are essential skills if our goals are to feel fulfillment and be in service to make the world better - even if it’s only our own little part of the world.
Building Resilience
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be resilient lately. If you follow me on social media or listen to the podcast, you may know that Matt & I have been having a difficult time. We seem to be coming to the other side of a long stretch of fear and anxiety. That’s meant circling back to the personal and family projects we were trying to get off the ground some time ago. The feeling of having lost ground and the frustration of a reset.
2 nights ago he asked me about resilience. About what you do during the lull. About vigilance and fear and anxiety. So I taught him about optimism, hope, and upward spirals.
It’s knowing that challenges will eventually arise, because they do for us all. But also to know in those dark moments that good times come again. That “this too shall pass” applies to both sides of the coin.
I told him that real resilience is built in the good times. Just as our ancestors enjoyed the fruits of summer and laid in food for a long winter - so thriving grows us in our abilities, connections, and self-skills to make us more adaptive.
The field of positive psychology shows us the way to build resilience:
Positive emotions increase creativity and problem solving, make both learning and making new connections easier. We are more resilient when we have more skills, adaptability, and a supportive network.
The ability to remain calm, regulate your nervous system, and process your emotions means you have greater capacity for challenges - to keep cool under pressure. It take more to rattle your cage if you know what you’re about.
Community, belonging, and mattering are all 2 ways streets. Want people to be there when things go sideways for you? Show up for others when you’ve got extra space and time.
It’s all way easier to handle when you’re connected to the ideas and experience of things that are greater than you. Know your values, what’s important to know, and cultivate a connection to the divine - whatever that means for you.
There is more. So much more.
We’re 6 months away from the 5 year anniversary of when the world changed.
I’m seeing so many clients and students wake up to the ways they’ve been coping and the choices they made to survive.
Many of them are still feeling the fear, anxiety, and panic; now transmuted to what if?!
What if?
The reality of living a life is that eventually something will happen. Someone you love will get sick or have a scare. Something will break in your home. The climate will be less stable or the candidate you support will lose and it will feel like everything is broken.
If those things aren’t happening right now for you, I know something that will make you more resilient: Thriving.
The real answer to real world resilience is building thriving however you can right now. IF you’re going through something hard, learn how to process difficult emotions. IF things are getting better for you, give yourself permission to celebrate. To feel good. To learn what joy feels like. And, IF things have just been a mess for you, focus on healing. Learn what you’re about, what you value, and how you make meaning.
It’s time for us to collectively focus on evolving from survive to thrive.
The last 18 months have been exceptionally hard in my household and I’ve spent that time thinking a lot about what it means to be a wellbeing expert when you aren’t exactly well yourself. I’ll be sharing much of that wisdom in the coming months.
The short version: it’s surviving knowing that you’ll thrive again.
Looking for more on your journey from survive to thrive?
There are a few ways I can help you keep it movin’:
90 Minute Wellness Roadmap (currently on sale) - Struggling or stuck? Spend 90 minutes with expert eyes looking at your own efforts to grow fitness, wellness, and wellbeing.
Free Ultra-processed Food Guide - Struggling to eat better, but also know that diets don’t work for you? Want to be healthy, but know that diet culture is big ole lie? Want someone to teach you about what food is actually bad for health? Download this freebie anytime.
Better Than Fine podcast - if you appreciate this substack you should check out the Better Than Fine podcast - we livestream new episodes every Wednesday on the NASM YouTube channel